With clicking my bookmark to my blog today... the familiar feeling of tears running down my face returned. The title alone was emotional to read. When I received the call on February 1st, and accepted a spot on the Boston Bruins Foundation Team, I knew I wanted to document every step of the journey to the finish line. I wanted to remember each morning run, each long run, the aches, the pains, the questions, the hope, the self-doubt, and the personal achievements/milestones I had throughout my training. I knew deep down if I trained hard enough and was disciplined enough I would be able to complete a marathon... and not just a marathon, but the Boston Marathon. Even my parents when I first told them I had this opportunity and I was seeking their advice on whether or not it would be enough time to train, and if they thought I would be able to do it, their response was simple: "we know when you put your mind to something, you'll do it." Never in my wildest dreams, or worst nightmares did I ever think this day I had worked so hard for would turn out the way it did.
Writing this entry today is going to take me a long time to write, but I feel that I owe a lot of people an ending to this blog. The out-pour of text messages, phone calls, facebook messages/comments/likes, and messages on twitter were overwhelming. They truly helped fill my extremely heavy heart, and opened my eyes to how many people were truly following my obnoxious daily updates on training, and my ramblings through this blog. I've had people who I haven't spoken to in years, or had never even been close to, but shared maybe a high school class together at some point reach out to make sure I was okay, and that they were proud of me, and behind me 110% to finish this marathon, whether it be this year or another year, they were cheering me on. Those messages will forever be ingrained in my heart.
As I've been talking you through my daily training's .. I'd like to go through the days, miles, and moments leading up to the ending of this years marathon experience for me.
THURSDAY: APRIL 11, 2013
I don't even need to describe my day... I arrived early to work and my friends surprised me with some amazing encouragement and good luck for the race...
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| A gift basket of good luck |
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| A marathon bracelet to match my Bruins one |
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| and a marathon route on my door... |
FRIDAY: APRIL 12, 2013
My last day of work before the marathon. Although a somewhat busy day with deadlines, I was in the most hyper, anxious, excited mood. I was power walking around the halls, office to office, and I'm sure everyone could read the excitement on my face. I was finally not so nervous, but just so ready to start my journey back to Boston after being dropped off in Hopkinton. I had co-workers/friends all stop by my office to wish me good luck and to let me know where they would be along the route and to look for them. The support was overwhelming.
After work, I headed to the Runner's Expo held right downstairs from my office... I was thrilled to be surrounded by people from all over the world all with the same goal in mind. I raced to the Adidas booth, and purchased a jacket I would wear for a quick picture, and then pack in my bag for once I completed the race.
I came home that night still so excited, made myself some pasta and headed to bed... I had coaching in the morning, and also wanted to try and get as much sleep as possible..
SATURDAY, APRIL 13, 2013
As my alarm went off at 6:15am, I packed myself up for a day of coaching, headed to Bentley, and then off to Springfield College we went. Throughout the day my girls were full of questions about the marathon, how I was feeling, and good luck wishes. I even managed to snag some ice bags and felt like I was in college again icing my knees on the sidelines.
We ended up returning earlier than expected and I headed to the Expo again, but this time alone. As I walked through the line to receive my race number, everything suddenly was REALLY real. My excitement was all over my face.
I walked around taking in the excitement of all the other runners and families, and stopped by the John Hancock preview video to take it all in. Any last minute words of advice, any last tips for having a good run, I was interested in and wanted to know more. Watching the preview video and listening to past runners, I felt myself getting emotional... thank god someone behind me made a comment that they were starting to cry, and I knew I was not alone with the emotional impact this was having on me.
Seeing the images of past races of the crowds and the runners... I could not wait to get that experience for myself. The one comment that struck me the most was that "when you stand at that starting line, you can think back to the years prior to you, and know in the years to come, someone else will be thinking the same thing, and that will include you." [Little did I know how true that statement would actually be for the 2013 Boston Marathon.]
After the expo.. I continued to ice my knees and headed up to my sister and brother-in-laws for the evening.. We indulged in a nice carb loading meal and watched the Bruins game... As soon as we returned from dinner, I immediately went to bed. I was awoken by a text from a friend around 11pm, and could not for the life of me fall back asleep. I was too excited for Monday to come...
SUNDAY, APRIL 14, 2013
Again, my alarm went off bright and early. I got to see my parents, as my mom was running the BAA 5k that morning in Boston and I had to give her, her bib number. This would be the last time I saw them before meeting up again along the marathon route.
I headed off to practice for my club field hockey team, and had my girls have a somewhat easy practice to avoid any potential of getting hurt. The girls were amazing, and so excited for me... mostly commenting that they couldn't believe I was going to run 26.2 miles...
As I made my way back to Boston, I was mentally making a million lists of things I needed to remember, or do, before I woke up and left the following morning. I also made some last minute purchases of new socks, and arm warmers. I made my play list for my iPod and was making sure everything was charged and ready... and the lists in my head continued.
I was wired... I suddenly had ADD, and couldn't sit still... I finally convinced myself that I needed to take care of my body, and an ice bath might be the best thing for it... oh how cold that was..
Why did I think this was a good idea again? After doing laps around my apartment, I finally started to pack my bags... making sure I had everything I would need pre-during-post race. Finally I headed over to a friends and got my final knee massage (may sound weird, but if you've ever had knee issues, it's the best thing ever). Upon returning to my apartment, I didn't really know what to do with myself... I found myself all over social media sites, taking in any last minute thing I could. I found comfort seeing team members posting/commenting at the late hour it was, as then I knew I wasn't the only one wide awake still. Amazing how when you're so excited you can't even think about sleeping.
As I laid in bed, the lists kept going through my head, and by the time I finally was able to shut my eyes and get "some" sleep, I had 7 emails in my inbox from myself of items to not forget that I would need at some point in the day...
MONDAY, APRIL 15, 2013, MARATHON MONDAY
My alarm went off at 3:45am... I didn't even have to hit the snooze button. I was up and I was awake... and I was
ready. I ran through my lists, triple checked my bags, and headed to my car... I had my one moment of panic thinking I was going to be late to the TD Garden, when in retrospect, I was there within a few minutes. The whole team was full of excitement, and even team members I was meeting for the first time, it felt like I had known them much longer than a few moments.
Our one hiccup of the morning was learning that one of our team members had been involved in a car accident. We weren't sure of her state, but knew her car was damaged enough to be towed, and that she was still on her way to us. The look of worry across teammates faces, reassured me that I was on the best team. When she arrived at the Garden, you could see the sense of relief across everyone's faces/attitudes, and the bus was off.. We were on our way to Hopkinton.
The ride up was full of nonsense chatter, and all our prior evenings activities in preparation for the day.
Arriving early to the Athletes Village, we were dropped off at a Dentist office that was allowing our team and the MGH team to use as our home base. We were greeted with a heated tent and our own bathrooms to use... Hearing about how busy the actual Athletes Village can be, we all took this as a great advantage.
Our Bruins Foundation Team cornered up by the heater, started to get comfortable, and ease ourselves into the morning. As soon as the permanent markers made an appearance we could have been mistaken for third graders... we wrote our names across our jerseys, messages across our bodies, and pretty much put graffiti everywhere. We talked out when we should eat something, when we should drink something, and when we should stretch. The team bonding that happened in those few hours was awesome. I may not have had a chance to talk in depth with everyone, but I knew we all were each others biggest cheerleaders. We had all pulled together and raised a lot of money for a great cause, and were finally at our reward for doing so... we were moments away from starting the race to Boston.
Around 9:50am we all made our last minute trips to the bathroom, got our last minute selves together and started to head towards the starting line... our moment was so close. I made my way to the start with three other teammates who were the best people to head to the start line with. Two of them had done Boston prior, but their excitement could have been mistaken as if it were their first, which reminded me how prestigious and amazing the Boston Marathon is.
We were suppose to be in corral 9, but somehow made it up to corral 4... and next thing I knew the starting gun for wave 3 went off... and my journey had just begun... It was a surreal experience... the crowd in Hopkinton was amazing, and so full of energy... even for us Wave 3 runners.
I found it hysterical that along the first 4 miles or so, you could look over at any given moment and see at least 10 guys lining the woods "relieving themselves"... can someone remind me again how this is fair to us females?
The first few miles are kind of a blur to me, as I had previously run this part of the course 3 weeks earlier, so I somewhat knew where I was. I was keeping a decent pace and was happy with my time. My one mistake was mis-reading my Garmin watch and looking at the actual time for my pace, so I was actually running faster than I wanted to at the beginning.. but it turned out okay. When prior runners explain how much the crowd encourages you, they weren't kidding. The spectators are probably the greatest part about this event... they stand along the marathon route for hours... just to see us run by and cheer us on. I happened to write my name across the front of my jersey, and hearing people call me out individually was so supportive, and really kept me running.
On so many of my longer runs I had questioned myself on whether or not I could really finish this race... and I'm glad to say that once I was on the route to Boston, that thought never crossed my mind... I was making it to Boston.
When I hit the half way point and suddenly was starting to count down my miles, I felt as if I was dreaming... my goal was in sight... it was real... and it was going to happen... Anyone watching me at that point had to be wondering how I was smiling with another 13.1 miles to go. It's really an emotion you have to experience in order to understand.
Around this time I saw a running coach running the opposite direction to a girl who was visibly upset, and I glanced over really quick and realized I knew this girl... we had met the previous Wednesday at a last minute fundraising event... I quickly ran over to her and just said something quick along the lines of "you got this"... I continued to run for a little and when I took a brief break to walk, I was joined by her, and we quickly talked about how the race was going, and how we felt... and how no matter what we were both determined to cross that finish line in Boston. She was part of the reason that kept me on my path and kept me going. We ended up parting ways and wouldn't see each other again during the marathon. [we caught up through facebook messaging later the next day].
After the halfway mark part of me was counting down the miles until I knew I would see my family. I knew they would be somewhere along heartbreak hill which ranged from mile 17-21... They were so close, and I could not wait to see them. The support my family showed me throughout all my training, and the days leading up to the Marathon was no where near measurable. I was running this for not only myself, but for them, and all those who supported me.
As I took the right onto heartbreak hill, I passed the fire station and saw all the firemen watching and cheering us on. One even called out for the Bruins and I made sure to turn, smile, and give a thumbs up... Climbing the hills of Newton was probably my biggest struggle. You hit these hills at a point where your body is questioning why it's still moving, and your mind is trying so hard to push you through these few miles to get you on the home stretch to Boston.
And then I saw them... All in black T-shirts with gold writing... cheering and yelling my name.. I could feel myself starting to get emotional. It was probably one of the toughest parts of the course, and there they were; my family.
The look on my parents, sister and brother in laws faces was enough to give me a little extra push, that I didn't even know I had in me... Just after them was the top of heartbreak hill and I knew once I made it there... I was making it to the finish line.
As I came down the other side of the hill I could feel my quad starting to tighten up, and I knew if I didn't do something about it, it could hinder my finish... I took a quick detour to a medical tent, got a quick deep tissue massage and a compression wrap, and I continued on my way. This was the last moment I had thinking I was so close to my Boston Marathon finish...
Within minutes of leaving the medical tent and continuing on my journey to Boston, a leader from another organization, Best Buddies, whom I knew, and was also running the marathon, called my name and joined me at my side... We chatted briefly about how we were feeling... and then the next words out of his mouth, forever changed how the day would transpire. He simply stated to me, "I don't want to alarm you, but I've heard there was an explosion at the finish line." He didn't have any details, and was hoping to get in touch with his wife and kids as he rounded the next corner where he knew his friends were. I had a moment of panic, but it hadn't really sunk in yet due to the limited details anyone knew. He ended up going ahead of me and my mind started to wonder...
The next thing I knew I was taking a right to finally reach Beacon Street, one of the final stretches, and all I heard were sirens... from every direction, and being told to stay to the right of the course. My initial thought was that someone was injured ahead and medical rescue was needed, which wouldn't be out of the ordinary for a marathon... but then the sirens turned into multiple sirens... multiple fire engines, multiple police, and multiple ambulances... all driving along the actual marathon route... This is when I knew something serious had happened... but I still didn't know what to really gather... all that was on my mind was getting to that finish line...
As I was taking my first steps onto Beacon Street... the entire Boston Marathon 2013 changed. A cop slowed us down and calmly stated... the race is ending at mile 25. No one understood... we had our headphones in, we had our adrenaline running, we were about 4.5 miles away, which in this case felt like nothing... what do you mean the race is ending at 25... a marathon is 26.2 miles.
Once these words were spoken to us, all the runners around me all started asking questions, we kept running, but didn't know what to make of the phrase that was just being said to us... "the marathon was ending. at mile 25." We continued towards that marker regardless... and then details started to trickle through the route... there had been an explosion.. two of them. at the finish line. and people were killed and injured.
I wanted to throw up.
My very initial thought went to my friend Mindy, whom I knew was planning to be there as I crossed the finish line... we had talked about it for weeks. She knew how much this run meant to me, and wanted to see me when I finally reached that goal... all I could think was... please. please do not be there. I immediately started crying and pulled my phone out of my back pocket.
Thank god I had my phone on me. I wasn't planning to run with it, but in a last minute thought I turned it off and tucked it into my back pocket... as I turned it on... frantically waiting for it to catch signal, the tears became uncontrollable. I looked to any runner near me, who were all also trying to turn their phones on to contact anyone they could, and not one person had reception. [we later found out reception had been cut due to authorities thinking the bombs were being detonated through a cell phone] We just kept turning to each other... still running.. asking if anyone had gotten a signal yet... nothing.. and more nothing.
Finally... my 3G showed up and my phone immediately started beeping... I had over 50 text messages and missed phone calls and voicemails... the seriousness set in even more. I called Mindy immediately... she had been a block a way... I stopped dead in my tracks and just cried. I didn't know what to do, what to say, or where to go from here... I immediately called my parents after to get contact... I initially hadn't thought about how quick they would be able to get downtown... I also didn't have a sense of time since I had seen them... the moments from when I saw them to when I found out there had been an explosion felt like minutes... I had never thought they would have almost been there... when I found that out... the tears came even more... but they were okay, which I think made me cry harder.
At this point... running a marathon... I didn't know what to do... the ONLY thing I knew to do was to keep running... "keep running until they stop you" was the only thought going through my head... I think part of me was hoping that maybe this wasn't real, maybe things would clear up and I'd still be able to cross that finish line... but with every stride closer to that finish line... the further away it was.
I ran past an apartment complex that no longer had spectators cheering, but instead people surrounding a tv that had been brought out on the common area, with news showing downtown Boston... showing the finish line... showing something I would never reach... and showing the mass hysteria my city had just been thrusted into.
As I approached Mile 23... I knew my teammates that I play in a women's league field hockey were waiting for me to come by... the emotions that came over me were uncontrollable. I have a nickname on the team as "2.0" for being the second Stephanie on the team... and as I looked ahead and saw a huge sign with "2.0" I ran a little harder to reach them... but in that moment of trying to reach them, I also broke down even more. These girls knew how bad I wanted this race... how much I had trained... how much I had given up... and already knew I wasn't going to be able to accomplish it. Instead of waiting for me to reach them... they met me half way... I was hysterical... I was angry... I was sad... I was confused. My dream of finishing the Boston Marathon was over.
The comfort my friends gave me in this moment was beyond explanation. I melted into their arms and just cried... I couldn't even breath. How did this happen? Why did this happen? Questions that had no answers were all I knew how to ask... but again... the only thing I knew how to do, was to keep running... I didn't even realize at the time what that could have even meant... my friend Kate posted a comment on my Facebook later in the day that will forever mean so much to me:
"When we saw you at mile 23, you knew already that some asshole took your finish away from you. And that he took two lives and hurt many more. And you were furious and heartbroken and you cursed him and you cried. And when you were done with that necessary part, you know what you did? You turned away from us and you started running. The thing you wanted, the thing you worked for, was gone, and you ran anyway. And that was the moment, my beloved 2.0, all the work that made today possible went from admirable to heroic. One day, I hope with my whole heart you realize how amazing that choice you made was"
So I kept running... I wouldn't stop I told myself... not until they made me...
....which they did not long after I saw my friends... at Mile 24.5... 1.7 miles from the finish line... 1.7 miles from the goal I had worked SO hard for... 1.7 miles away from what I had raised so much money for a charity for... 1.7 miles away for a personal dream to come true.
The police where I was on the course didn't have much information... the medical tent handed out as many blankets as they could... they set up cups of pretzels, cups of water, and cups of Gatorade .. They questioned all of us runners to ensure that we were okay. I walked around in a daze... what just happened?
The texts and the calls continued... I had to pick and choose who I responded to as my phone was low on battery, and I had no idea how I would get anywhere. The trains were shut down, no one was allowed to go towards the city, and all traffic was being diverted.
Aside from my parents and some close friends... my immediate thoughts went to my Bruins Foundation Team... we had good runners... runners that could have been finishing around the time the explosions went off... my heart sank... please let them all be alright... I finally got in touch with our Foundation Coordinator and was told that everyone was okay... a moment of relief came over me. Regardless of how long or not how long I knew these people... they were my team. These people are the kinds of people this world needs more of... they help raise money for amazing charities, and work their butts off to accomplish amazing feats. I was proud to stand along side them and was beyond thankful they were all okay.
One of my lifetime friends had been at the Red Sox game and was planning to see me around mile 25/26 and watch me as I made my home stretch to the finish line. Some of her friends, whom I now call my own, had been some of my biggest supporters throughout my training, having each run marathons in the past... I knew they would understand the heartbreak that had just taken over my body. As we finally made contact, I found them all along Beacon Street and just hugged them all... they were safe.
We worked together to get a cab that was willing to drive us to the other end of the city... where I waited in the hotel lobby for my family to meet up with me. As I waited in the lobby I was finally able to see the footage of what had unfolded at the Marathon finish.. and the tears continued to exit my eyes and run down my cheeks... I couldn't believe what was happening. Not here... not in Boston... not on Marathon Monday... I couldn't comprehend.
When I was finally reunited with my parents, I became weak all over... I couldn't control any emotion... I just melted into my parents arms and wept. The emotions of two total different scales set in all at once... my friends and family were okay and I was thankful and blessed... and then the polar opposite emotion hit hard.. I didn't cross the finish line.. I was hurt... I was angry... I was broken.
My mind and heart were confused. How do you wrap your mind around your city/nation/world being attacked... on a day that is one of the most celebrated, most happy, most amazing day to be in Boston... is it even possible to wrap your mind around it?
My family and I worked our way back to my apartment, where my parents gave me my bags... and I couldn't help but start crying going through it... looking at the outfit I was so excited to wear to the Bruins game, showing off that I had just completed the Boston Marathon... the Marathon jacket left a bittersweet taste... and I've still yet been able to put it around my shoulders... do I deserve it? A lot of people tell me I do... and that in their eyes I did finish the marathon... but in my heart... I was robbed of it. Someone stole that moment away from me... someone stole that moment of running down Boylston towards one of the greatest finish lines, surrounded by hundreds/thousands of people cheering you on.. it was ripped away, and stolen... that moment hasn't happened. Not April 15, 2013. Not yet...
And although I said this entry was an ending to this blog... I'll look at it more now, as a beginning to my continued journey to get to twenty six point two, not 24.5... but the full 26.2 in one run.
Boston Marathon 2014... I'll see you at the finish line.
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